(Part 1, Part 2) This one will be a little boring, sorry.

I had two days to ponder the procedure I was going in for on the 27th of January. The funny thing is, I wasn’t worried (too much) about my symptoms, or the possibility of death…the worry was returning to the place that gave me so much grief just a few days prior. If an overnight stay was necessary, I’d more than likely be dealing with Nurse Himmler again. You remember him, he’s the one that ripped out my IV and heart monitors…causing a massive bruise on my arm that still persists. The prospect of this scared me, not because I was afraid of him, but just the prospect of his smug little face with the “ah ha, I see you are back” look.

I usually do a lot of research on things that I’m planning to do or to have done. This time I didn’t, as I was too focused on how I would behave once I got to the hospital. Would I be aggressive? Would I just “take it” and be passive? Or perhaps I’d be a combination of both? Luckily, things turned out to be a lot different this time.

I arrived (thanks to a friend who drove me at 6am) at the outpatient registration and breezed right through. You’d be amazed how fast things can happen when you flash a shiny insurance card in their face. I was directed to the ominous third floor…the site of my earlier adventure, but it was in a different section, so I could avoid the ward where Himmler had his camp set up. Reception was fast and within 5 minutes of arrival I was taken back to the…er…whatever it is they call that place, you know, where they make you take all of your clothes off and put on that backwards gown.

Anyway, so far so good. The nurses there were amazing, and before I could be belligerant, I an IV in each wrist, a heart monitor on, and the BP cuff pumping away. The Q and A period went off without a hitch as well, and then I just had to wait. It was warm and comfy in there too, not the cold chill of the ER from a few days prior. Every now and then, a nurse would pop in and ask if I was ok. What a concept!

After about 30 minutes, Dave the Bartender arrived. That’s not my name for him, that’s exactly what he said. “Hi, I’m Dave, I’ll be your bartender.” He put up the bed rails and before I could say anything snarky, we were moving. As I passed the nurses station, all of them stood up and waved at me…it was amazing really. I gave the royal wave back and everyone had a good laugh. Bartender wheeled me to a set of doors with the ominous sign “Cath Lab 2,” and when the doors opened, it was like going into a Star Trek medical bay. Beeping, flashing, screens everywhere, buttons, hoses, really neat-o stuff. Inside awaited a small army of people..all cheerful and friendly.

A modern Cath LabTypical Cath Lab

Bob the Tech (I don’t know his real name) who looked like he was once a NASCAR driver, asked me what I did for a living. “I sit in front of a computer and pretend to work” said I, to which he put all of my fears to rest simply by saying “oh, Initech?” How awesome is that? Even better, without missing a beat I said “yeeeaaahhhhhhh, that’s greeeeaaaat.” By now, Bartender Dave had me on something wonderful…I should have asked what it was, but it was pretty damned good. During the prep work, I started to get a little anxious when the incision area (groin area, about 4″ away from the jewels) was being cleaned so I asked Dave if he could up the dosage. “You already have enough to put a rhino down, just give it a minute.” He was right…after that I didn’t care about anything.

I remember pain in my groin. I remember seeing the screens with my arteries all lit up. I remember the doctor talking to me, and a little of what he said (mainly “it’s fine…no major blockage…no stent needed…see you in a year…”). Then, as I started to come around more, I realized that Nurse ShowerCap (forgot to mention her, she seemed to be the enforcer of the lab) was practically putting all of her weight into my groin. It hurt. Bad. She kept telling me to lie still as Bob was trying to explain that she was ensuring the clamp was secure on the artery. It hurt. Bad.

She was finally satisfied and the big guys (Bob and Dave) lifted me back onto the bed I came in on. ShowerCap began her lecture “if you cough or laugh, put pressure there, do not move your leg and DO NOT lift your head.” I lifted my head “DO NOT LIFT YOUR HEAD!” As I was wheeled back to the ward, I heard it again in the distance behind me “KEEP THAT HEAD DOWN!”

Back at the ward now…hooked up to everything again….feeling so damned relaxed. A turkey sandwich, a banana, some vanilla wafersa and a diet pepsi was on the tray…it was delicious, but a but hard to eat since I couldn’t lift my head. Then reality started to set in. I had to lay in this position, not moving my head or leg, for SIX HOURS. Thank myself that I brought my Kindle. In fact, I brought everything in anticipation that I’d be there overnight…Kindle, iPod, both laptops, power supplies, chargers, webcam, headset, nicotine gum, spare socks and underwear, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and two sets of headphones.

I read 5 chapters of Brian Greene’s Elegant Universe, inbetween short cat-naps. It’s apparently a lot longer than I anticipated.

I challenge any of you to lie on your back for 6 hours without sleeping. Everything starts to ache. Back, shoulders, chest, legs, arms. Now, put a heavy sandbag on your groin and do it. I guarantee a little insanity will start to creep in. I’ll skip all of the details of that (as well as trying to urinate in a bottle without being able to lift your head or sit up…that was an adventure, but I did it without any spillage).

Hour 6.5…two nurses come in. Nurse INoSpeakGoodEnglish and Nurse Gramma. They propped up my bed so I was sitting up…oh wow, how reliving that was…just that one moment…almost euphoric. Then standing up was even better, and walking was the finishing touch. I felt amazing until I went to the bathroom and looked at the dressing..how the hell was I going to get that off myself? A huge piece of clear tape about 7″ square covering the dressing, it was probably fused to my skin by now (later the next day, when I did take it off…never mind, too gross).

Soon I was dressed, called the cab, and was being wheeled to the exit by Nurse Gramma. She was a wonderful lady and I gave her a big hug as I walked out.

Today, resting and relaxing and watching the bruise on my groin grow and grow. They say it’s normal, but it’s a bit scary anyway. Sorry this one was boring, but everything went so well, I have nothing to complain about.

Oh, and the chest pains? Turns out it’s just gas.

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